Murder: Overall

Overall, a pretty decent job on the murder exercise. And no fatals! Good job ofmaking sure you had your facts straight on this exercise.

Some things to keep working on, though:

We're still missing some nut grafs. Between the lede (which summarizes end result and ultimate outcome) and the body of the story (where we offer a chronology of how things unfolded), we need to be sure to have a nut graf where we answer questions posed by the lede, in specific detail.

Also, we're still falling a bit short on attribution. Each paragraph after the lede and nut graf should have attribution as to how you know the information in the graf. In this instance you had only one source: Nina Cortez. So your grafs needed a liberal dose of "Cortez said."

And some paragraphs are still too big. Remember, a paragraph should have one main idea OR one supporting idea OR one quote. Not all three, or even two of three.

Please go over previous blog entries and make sure you're picking up how to execute these concepts. And feel free to see me during office hours for a refresher.

Murder: Avoid Saying Nothing

Like in the first of these two grafs:

Nina Cortez is a book keeper at the restaurant and has worked there for seven years.

She said she arrived at the inn around 9 a.m. and entered the building with her key to the employee entrance in the back.

The first sentence is what I call an empty sentence: it doesn't say anything of reader value. It identifies someone but doesn't say what they have to say. It attribution without something to attribute.

But I know what you're trying to do: you're detailing who the person is to justify their relevance in the following graf. I'd fix this by simply merging these two grafs, like this:

Nina Cortez, a book keeper at the restaurant who has worked there for seven years, said she arrived at the inn around 9 a.m. and entered the building with her key to the employee entrance in the back.

Now, there's no empty sentence.

Controversial: Break Up Those Grafs!

In journalism, we generally try to write in very short paragraphs. What we try to do is limit a paragraph to one main idea OR one supporting idea OR one fact to support an idea. Not all of the above.

In general, that means many paragraphs will be just one or two sentences; the exact opposite of English comp writing styles that encourage massive paragraphs.

Let's look at this example of a mega-graf that can easily be cut up:

High school athletic director Hugh Baker told the board, “If safety is the issue of concern for the board, then our girls teams would have forfeit games if there are boys on the opposing teams." Last year alone the team would have had to forfeit 10 of the 18 games, therefore creating a losing record every year. Many think its very unfair, including Jacob Stevens. Stevens, a senior at ELHS said, “I don’t think it is fair. There are countries in the world where men’s field hockey is a recognized sport. Not every guy wants to play football, basketball, or baseball." Stevens was really looking forward to playing on the team his senior year.

Now, each unit of thought and each unit of supporting information has its own graf. It's easier for readers to pick out each independent thought or supporting fact. It's easier for editors to identify key points and supporting info, and find where such facts and info are lacking.

Okay, this single graf contains several elements: the first sentence is a quote from one source. The second sentence is a fact that provides evidence to support the quote's position. The third and fourth introduce and allow a quote from a second source. The final sentence offers a new level of detail that helps build upon the quote.

So, you can break this graf up into four separate grafs, like this:

High school athletic director Hugh Baker, told the board, “If safety is the issue of concern for the board, then our girls teams would have forfeit games if there are boys on the opposing teams."

Last year alone the team would have had to forfeit 10 of the 18 games, therefore creating a losing record every year.

Many think its very unfair, including Jacob Stevens. Stevens, a senior at ELHS said, “I don’t think it is fair. There are countries in the world where men’s field hockey is a recognized sport. Not every guy wants to play football, basketball, or baseball."

Stevens was really looking forward to playing on the team his senior year.

Now, each unit of thought or supporting bit of evidence has its own graf. Now, it's easier for readers to identify each key point, in the same way an outline allows readers to visualize key points in a text-heavy draft. Now, it's easier for editors to identify key points, or the lack thereof.

I know it's gonna look weird, given years and years of bad English comp habits that you've picked up. But this is how we write in journalism. It's a more practical style for writers, editors and readers.

And FYI, if you see on your graded assignments that I wrote an L-shaped symbol at the start of a sentence, that is the copy-editing symbol for starting a new graf.

Controversial: Break Up Those Grafs!

In journalism, we generally try to write in very short paragraphs. What we try to do is limit a paragraph to one main idea OR one supporting idea OR one fact to support an idea. Not all of the above.

In general, that means many paragraphs will be just one or two sentences; the exact opposite of English comp writing styles that encourage massive paragraphs.

Let's look at this example of a mega-graf that can easily be cut up:

High school athletic director Hugh Baker told the board, “If safety is the issue of concern for the board, then our girls teams would have forfeit games if there are boys on the opposing teams." Last year alone the team would have had to forfeit 10 of the 18 games, therefore creating a losing record every year. Many think its very unfair, including Jacob Stevens. Stevens, a senior at ELHS said, “I don’t think it is fair. There are countries in the world where men’s field hockey is a recognized sport. Not every guy wants to play football, basketball, or baseball." Stevens was really looking forward to playing on the team his senior year.

Now, each unit of thought and each unit of supporting information has its own graf. It's easier for readers to pick out each independent thought or supporting fact. It's easier for editors to identify key points and supporting info, and find where such facts and info are lacking.

Okay, this single graf contains several elements: the first sentence is a quote from one source. The second sentence is a fact that provides evidence to support the quote's position. The third and fourth introduce and allow a quote from a second source. The final sentence offers a new level of detail that helps build upon the quote.

So, you can break this graf up into four separate grafs, like this:

High school athletic director Hugh Baker, told the board, “If safety is the issue of concern for the board, then our girls teams would have forfeit games if there are boys on the opposing teams."

Last year alone the team would have had to forfeit 10 of the 18 games, therefore creating a losing record every year.

Many think its very unfair, including Jacob Stevens. Stevens, a senior at ELHS said, “I don’t think it is fair. There are countries in the world where men’s field hockey is a recognized sport. Not every guy wants to play football, basketball, or baseball."

Stevens was really looking forward to playing on the team his senior year.

Now, each unit of thought or supporting bit of evidence has its own graf. Now, it's easier for readers to identify each key point, in the same way an outline allows readers to visualize key points in a text-heavy draft. Now, it's easier for editors to identify key points, or the lack thereof.

I know it's gonna look weird, given years and years of bad English comp habits that you've picked up. But this is how we write in journalism. It's a more practical style for writers, editors and readers.

And FYI, if you see on your graded assignments that I wrote an L-shaped symbol at the start of a sentence, that is the copy-editing symbol for starting a new graf.

Murder: Avoid Saying Nothing

Like in the first of these two grafs:

Nina Cortez is a book keeper at the restaurant and has worked there for seven years.

She said she arrived at the inn around 9 a.m. and entered the building with her key to the employee entrance in the back.

The first sentence is what I call an empty sentence: it doesn't say anything of reader value. It identifies someone but doesn't say what they have to say. It attribution without something to attribute.

But I know what you're trying to do: you're detailing who the person is to justify their relevance in the following graf. I'd fix this by simply merging these two grafs, like this:

Nina Cortez, a book keeper at the restaurant who has worked there for seven years, said she arrived at the inn around 9 a.m. and entered the building with her key to the employee entrance in the back.

Now, there's no empty sentence.

Controversial: Break Up Those Paragraphs!

In journalism, we generally try to write in very short paragraphs. What we try to do is limit a paragraph to one main idea OR one supporting idea OR one fact to support an idea. Not all of the above.

In general, that means many paragraphs will be just one or two sentences; the exact opposite of English comp writing styles that encourage massive paragraphs.

Let's look at this example of a mega-graf that can easily be cut up:

High school athletic director Hugh Baker told the board, “If safety is the issue of concern for the board, then our girls teams would have forfeit games if there are boys on the opposing teams." Last year alone the team would have had to forfeit 10 of the 18 games, therefore creating a losing record every year. Many think its very unfair, including Jacob Stevens. Stevens, a senior at DHS said, “I don’t think it is fair. There are countries in the world where men’s field hockey is a recognized sport. Not every guy wants to play football, basketball, or baseball." Stevens was really looking forward to playing on the team his senior year.

Now, each unit of thought and each unit of supporting information has its own graf. It's easier for readers to pick out each independent thought or supporting fact. It's easier for editors to identify key points and supporting info, and find where such facts and info are lacking.
Okay, this single graf contains several elements: the first sentence is a quote from one source. The second sentence is a fact that provides evidence to support the quote's position. The third and fourth introduce and allow a quote from a second source. The final sentence offers a new level of detail that helps build upon the quote.

So, you can break this graf up into four separate grafs, like this:

High school athletic director Hugh Baker, told the board, “If safety is the issue of concern for the board, then our girls teams would have forfeit games if there are boys on the opposing teams."

Last year alone the team would have had to forfeit 10 of the 18 games, therefore creating a losing record every year.

Many think its very unfair, including Jacob Stevens. Stevens, a senior at DHS said, “I don’t think it is fair. There are countries in the world where men’s field hockey is a recognized sport. Not every guy wants to play football, basketball, or baseball."

Stevens was really looking forward to playing on the team his senior year.

Now, each unit of thought or supporting bit of evidence has its own graf. Now, it's easier for readers to identify each key point, in the same way an outline allows readers to visualize key points in a text-heavy draft. Now, it's easier for editors to identify key points, or the lack thereof.

I know it's gonna look weird, given years and years of bad English comp habits that you've picked up. But this is how we write in journalism. It's a more practical style for writers, editors and readers.

And FYI, if you see on your graded assignments that I wrote an L-shaped symbol at the start of a sentence, that is the copy-editing symbol for starting a new graf.

Hockey -- Avoid Empty Grafs

It's important that every graf actually says something newsworthy: what happened, what somebody thinks, why the matter in this story, ect. This graf does not do that:

Jacob Stevens is a senior at Okemos High School and played on the team last year.

While we aim to have no more than one main idea, thought or supporting fact in each graf, the minimum is also one. This one has attribution, but no idea. It's something I call an "empty graf;" that is, a graf with no main point being made.

This was the graf that followed:

"I enjoy playing the game and I haven't had any of the other female players on the team complain about my being there," Stevens said.

The quote indicates that the reason Stevens is noteworthy is because of what he has to say disputing the need for such a policy. So, ideally, you'd want to expand the first graf to make a point that sets up the quote, like this:

Jacob Stevens, a senior at Okemos High School and played on the team last year, said he didn't see the necessity of such a rule.

See how that better sets up the quote by saying something tangible? See how it helps make the transition from the attribution to the core point being made that much more seamless?

Watch out for empty grafs. They are your enemy.

Hockey -- Grafs Are Too Big!

In traditional English composition, you learn to just write and write and write, with no regard to how big a paragraph can get.

That is NOT how we write in journalism.

In journalism, grafs are much more bite-sized. And there's a reason for that. Each graf should contain just ONE central point, or ONE supporting fact. It should be easy for a reader to be able to break down the informational subsets you offer, and it should be easy for an editor to be able to skim through your story and identify each idea and piece of evidence broken out into its own paragraph.

In general, that means you should often end up with most paragraphs being no longer than two sentences, and quite often just one sentence long.

Let's look at this:

In a 9-0 vote Tuesday evening, the local school board unanimously decided to ban boys from playing on girls’ sports teams in the district. Effective immediately, boys will be banned from playing on the girls’ field hockey, softball, and volleyball teams. Although the new policy is largely unpopular with many students and parents, the school board stands by its decision, citing the size, speed, and power of male athletes and its potential hazards to female players.

That's just too much, and too long. All the information is mushed in together. It's hard to differentiate key points. But to make the story cleaner and easier to read, all you had to do was hit the "return" key a couple of times, like this:

In a 9-0 vote Tuesday evening, the local school board unanimously decided to ban boys from playing on girls’ sports teams in the district.

Effective immediately, boys will be banned from playing on the girls’ field hockey, softball, and volleyball teams.

Although the new policy is largely unpopular with many students and parents, the school board stands by its decision, citing the size, speed, and power of male athletes and its potential hazards to female players.

Now, key points stand out: what happened (in the first lede graf), the details of how it's being implemented (in the second nut graf) and an explanation of why it's needed in the first place (the third graf). Now do you see what I mean by separating units of thoughts and main points?

Same thing with the relationship between a point and supporting information, like here:

High school Athletic Director Hugh Baker worried that the new ruling will force teams, like the girls field hockey team, to forfeit because of other teams in the league that have boys on them. “Our girls field hockey team would have had to forfeit at least ten of their 18 games last season because we played other schools that had boys on their teams,” Baker said.

Once again, you can divide the point being made in the paraphrase, and the evidence via the quote, like this:

High school Athletic Director Hugh Baker worried that the new ruling will force teams, like the girls field hockey team, to forfeit because of other teams in the league that have boys on them.

“Our girls field hockey team would have had to forfeit at least ten of their 18 games last season because we played other schools that had boys on their teams,” Baker said.

Again, do you see how it clearly differentiates between one unit of information (the point being made via paraphrase) and the supporting evidence for the unit (the quote)?

You may notice in your returned work that I may have peppered your paper with what appears to be a red-ink capital L. That's the copyediting symbol for where you should have ideally started a new paragraph.

Controversial -- Grafs Are TOO Big!

In traditional English composition, you learn to just write and write and write, with no regard to how big a paragraph can get.

That is NOT how we write in journalism.

In journalism, grafs are much more bite-sized. And there's a reason for that. Each graf should contain just ONE central point, or ONE supporting fact. It should be easy for a reader to be able to break down the informational subsets you offer, and it should be easy for an editor to be able to skim through your story and identify each idea and piece of evidence broken out into its own paragraph.

In general, that means you should often end up with most paragraphs being no longer than two sentences, and quite often just one sentence long.

Let's look at this:

In a 9-0 vote Tuesday evening, the local school board unanimously decided to ban boys from playing on girls’ sports teams in the district. Effective immediately, boys will be banned from playing on the girls’ field hockey, softball, and volleyball teams. Although the new policy is largely unpopular with many students and parents, the school board stands by its decision, citing the size, speed, and power of male athletes and its potential hazards to female players.

That's just too much, and too long. All the information is mushed in together. It's hard to differentiate key points. But to make the story cleaner and easier to read, all you had to do was hit the "return" key a couple of times, like this:

In a 9-0 vote Tuesday evening, the local school board unanimously decided to ban boys from playing on girls’ sports teams in the district.

Effective immediately, boys will be banned from playing on the girls’ field hockey, softball, and volleyball teams.

Although the new policy is largely unpopular with many students and parents, the school board stands by its decision, citing the size, speed, and power of male athletes and its potential hazards to female players.

Now, key points stand out: what happened (in the first lede graf), the details of how it's being implemented (in the second nut graf) and an explanation of why it's needed in the first place (the third graf). Now do you see what I mean by separating units of thoughts and main points?

Same thing with the relationship between a point and supporting information, like here:

High school Athletic Director Hugh Baker worried that the new ruling will force teams, like the girls field hockey team, to forfeit because of other teams in the league that have boys on them. “Our girls field hockey team would have had to forfeit at least ten of their 18 games last season because we played other schools that had boys on their teams,” Baker said.

Once again, you can divide the point being made in the paraphrase, and the evidence via the quote, like this:

High school Athletic Director Hugh Baker worried that the new ruling will force teams, like the girls field hockey team, to forfeit because of other teams in the league that have boys on them.

“Our girls field hockey team would have had to forfeit at least ten of their 18 games last season because we played other schools that had boys on their teams,” Baker said.

Again, do you see how it clearly differentiates between one unit of information (the point being made via paraphrase) and the supporting evidence for the unit (the quote)?

You may notice in your returned work that I may have peppered your paper with what appears to be a red-ink capital L. That's the copyediting symbol for where you should have ideally started a new paragraph.

Controversial: grafs are too big!

Paragraph structure in journalism is very particular. It's all about small grafs.

In many of your stories, I highlighted logical places where paragraph breaks should have been places. These are the L-shaped symbols I have marked at the start of some sentences.

In general, you should limit grafs to ONE main point OR just ONE supporting fact per graf. Generally, that will mean many paragraphs will consist of just a single sentence.

For example, let's look at this passage:

Jacob Stevens, an East Lansing High School senior and now former member of their field hockey team told the school board he doesn’t think this is fair. “Not every guy wants to play football, basketball, or baseball,” Stevens said. “If we can’t play with girls, we wouldn’t be able to play.” Though field hockey is a popular sport for both men and women in other countries, Stevens says there are just not enough boys interested in the area to create their own team.

Really, this is better broken up along these lines:

Jacob Stevens, an East Lansing High School senior and now former member of their field hockey team told the school board he doesn’t think this is fair.

“Not every guy wants to play football, basketball, or baseball,” Stevens said. “If we can’t play with girls, we wouldn’t be able to play.”

Though field hockey is a popular sport for both men and women in other countries, Stevens says there are just not enough boys interested in the area to create their own team.

That might look weird to you, but it's okay. The structure is so that it's easy for readers to identify single points or solitary pieces of evidence. And it makes it much easier for editors to edit your story on deadline -- all they need to do is pull a graf here and move a graf there to touch up your story, as opposed to having to rewrite passages altogether.