Don't waste words in making your point, like with this lede:
A unanimous vote by East Lansing's school board on Tuesday will implement a policy banning boys from playing on the girls' field hockey, volleyball and softball teams.
Fine lede, but I'd argue it's a bit unnecessarily wordy. I'm honing in on "implement a policy banning." Why not just replace all that with the word "ban," like this:
A unanimous vote by East Lansing's school board on Tuesday will ban boys from playing on the girls' field hockey, volleyball and softball teams.
Exact same meaning; you're just cutting through the clutter of words a bit.
In this next case, you have phrases that are somewhat outdated by the end result:
The policy proposed by East Lansing School Board members to ban boys from playing on girls sporting teams resulted in a 9-0 vote Tuesday night.
First off, "The policy proposed by" is no longer relevant. They passed the proposed policy, right? So it's no longer meaningful as a proposal; only as a done deed. So let's eliminate that and add a qualifying verb -- in this case, "agreed" -- to denote the action, like this:
East Lansing School Board members agreed to ban boys from playing on girls sporting teams resulted in a 9-0 vote Tuesday night.
Let's take this a step further. Is "resulted" necessary? Or can you eliminate that without changing meaning. I think you can. And here's what's left:
East Lansing School Board members agreed to ban boys from playing on girls sporting teams in a 9-0 vote Tuesday night.
Has the meaning changed at all? I'd say not. But it's more compact, easier to read and just as filled with relevant information. Just with fewer words.
Speaking of fewer words, I'd like to remind you to watch your use of the word "that." Quite often, a sentence can live perfectly fine on its own without a "that." If you do use "that," take it out and read your sentence aloud and ask yourself if the sentence sounds incomplete. If not, then keep "that" out.
No comments:
Post a Comment