Monday, June 6, 2011

Robbery -- Who Are You Taking About?

In a story with multiple people involved, using he and she in place of names can quickly become confusing. Like here, in an actual graf in a story that already established Layoux had shot Wiess:

Layoux hit him three times in the chest and side, and said that he just ran out the front door ...

Okay, so the first he is the guy getting shot. But who is the second he that ran out the door? Layoux or the robber? It could be either one. It's not clear.

That graf was followed by this one:

He said he called the police and they found his dead body in a field ...

You can surmise the dead body is that of Wiess, but the overuse of he makes the reader have to think about it.

This example

It would have been much clearer to simply overuse names, like this:

Layoux hit Wiess three times in Wiess' chest and side, and said that Wiess just ran out the front door ...

... and ...

Layoux said he called the police and they found Wiess' dead body in a field ...

We strive not just for simplicity, but ease of comprehension. Don't be afraid to be specific.

Also, make sure you are not inadvertently saying something other than what you mean, like here:

The robber was found dead in a field about 200 yards away and as a result he lost his job, he said.

Look at what you are literally saying here: As a result of being found dead, the robber lost his job. Again, better to be specific with names, like this:

The robber was found dead in a field about 200 yards away and as a result Layoux lost his job, Layoux said.

Don't worry about redundancy. Fixate on clarity.

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